Houseguests, housecoats, and hoof and mouth disease. What are you worried about today?

May 29, 2011

I may or may not have mentioned before that my tub is stopped up. Again. This is a recurring problem, and maintenance takes their own sweet damn time getting around to correcting the problem. I’ve been trying to avoid the tub, because it’s disgusting and I’m truly afraid of catching a disease on my feet, but the gays came to town last night (actually at three o’clock this morning, but a good hostess doesn’t mention things like having to get up and go downstairs to the street to let in visitors in the middle of the freaking night and while she was waiting for them to pull up a couple of very sketchy looking young men approached her and asked to use her phone but by that time she had stepped back into the building and pulled the locking door shut because she’s not an idiot, for chrissake) and I had to break down and shower because I can’t very well go around with a three-day stench with house guests running about, now can I?

I should have just borrowed some of Hellbaby’s wipes, because while I was in the shower I knocked my toothbrush off the shower caddy not once but TWICE (yes, I brush my teeth in the shower; it’s called MULTITASKING) into the rancid scum and now I have to burn a perfectly good toothbrush.

And I hate showering and getting dressed when there are extraneous people in the house because I have to take my clothes into the bathroom with me instead of just walking back and forth naked or wrapped in a towel as I ususally would (although they are gay, so they might not even notice) and our bathroom doesn’t have an A/C vent in it so I get out of the shower and it’s like a goddamn rain forest in there and it’s impossible to get completely dry and I get all claustrophic and panicky when my clothes stick to me and then I remember that somewhere I do have a robe [housecoat for my Canadian readers] and fuck, I could have worn that to traverse to the coolness of the bedroom and get dressed there, because from what I’ve viewed on television, robes are perfectly acceptable short-term attire in the house when you have guests.–Now it has to be one of those substantial numbers, of course, no flimsy lace see-thru getup you would see a Real Housewife of New Jersey flounce around in. Which mine is. Substantial, that is. Because my husband got it for me when I had to be in the hospital that one time.

And then when I was pulling my shirt off the hanger, I’m all, What’s this? There’s another shirt under this shirt on this fucking hanger. Now what prankster did this? I have been looking for this damn shirt FOREVER.

And that‘s why I don’t let anybody else do my laundry.

Oh, and? I’m pretty sure I’m going bald because why else would the damn tub keep stopping up?

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Marianna Annadanna May 29, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Wow. That all sounds like a fucking MESS. Get your act together girl.

Just kidding! This sounds EXACTLY like my life. Late night house guests (although not gay – that I know of), robe (although called a housecoat), plugged tub (although hopefully not caused by a balding head), and toothbrush showering (although not every time, just when I feel like a particularly good time-manager).

Dude. We have the same life.

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I’m sorry. No one should have my life. Not even me.

Reply

Sarcasm in Action May 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm

I totally hate the clothes over still damp skin feeling too!! Making me cringe at the thought….

Reply

Sandra May 29, 2011 at 9:20 pm

First of all, I’m Canadian and I say “robe”…maybe I should actually be American…do you think this argument would get me a greencard?
Second, this post reminded me of why I hate it when my mother-in-law comes to stay. I’m still looking for a pair of shorts from when she came last summer. I should look in the closet on the hanger under my blouse!

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

That would surely qualify you for temporary residency, at least.

Reply

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer May 30, 2011 at 7:06 am

2 shirts on a hanger? Sounds like something I’d do. Husband does the laundry in our house. It’s like a parallel universe over here.

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

My husband does everything else. He just can’t get the hang of laundry. It’s a genetic defect, I think.

Reply

Carmen May 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

Thanks for the housecoat reference. Without it I might not have known what you were talking about. #notadumbasscanadianbutlaughingatyourcheekinessanyways.

I’m obsessed with ridiculously long hashtags. Clearly.

Btw, running naked from your bathroom to your bedroom is called a ‘MY HOUSE’. You just scream MY HOUSE as you run as fast as you can, jelly jiggling. Try it. It’s surprisingly thrilling. I’ve heard.

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Sarah May 30, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Love your blog.

Not to belabour the housecoat point (okay, I will, smile).

I ran a little experiment on my husband and asked him what “that thing that you wear after you’ve had a shower because people are over and you have to cover up” was and he said “bathrobe”. I too say “bathrobe”

I then looked up the etymology of “Housecoat” but didn’t get anything. “Robe” on the other hand has a past.

There you have it. I have too much time on my hands. That and I’ve been without internet all day (the horror).

I bet that’s the last time that you do us Canadians a favour (smile).

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I was teasing my Candadian buddies. Apparently they call robes housecoats up there, and when I hear “housecoat,” I thing of that thing Vicky Lawrence wore on “Mama’s Family” with her rolled down support hose.

Reply

Flannery May 31, 2011 at 10:12 am

Seriously, will Liquid Plumber not reduce the rancid scum?

As for the 2 shirts on 2 hanger bullshit, are you sure hellbaby didn’t do it? I sort of envision that Chucky doll from the movie, but in a girl form…do you think??

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Maintenance is supposed to come today and fix the drain!

Oh, gawd, why did you make me think of Chucky? Excuse me, I have to go poke around under the furniture and make sure no serial killing possessed dolls are lurking around.

Reply

Jenn Fox May 31, 2011 at 10:46 am

A slow bathtub drain is just disgusting . . . I hate standing in a pool of my own filth combined with whatever is in the drain making it slow! Yuck.
That being said, I am with Flannery, try some Liquid Plumber and get rid of that shit so that you can once again enjoy your shower.

I also cannot stand getting dressed while I am still damp . . . be it from the shower or the sweat that has just accumulated because of the hot shower and lack of air conditioning! So not refreshing.

Reply

Leighann June 1, 2011 at 8:55 am

Let me tell you…
I’m glad you cleared up the robe/housecoat issue for us canadians because I would have been reading that whole time wondering WTF you were taking about!
I also prefer to saunter around half naked between rooms and house guests make this impossible. Often I end up screaming from the bathroom “where is everyone? I’m coming out!”
Someone’s bound to see a nip.

My drain?
Full.
I yank so much hair from my head daily I have no idea how there’s any left.

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I’m going to try that “I’m coming out” scream next time.

Reply

Lizbeth June 1, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The no vent in the bathroom tanks….I used to have a bathroom like that and never (ever) got clean. I was sweating before I could even get my clean clothes on. Ick.

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I have serious sensory issues about this. I have to do my Lamaze breathing to not completely freaking lose it.

Reply

Karen V. June 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Why are there guests arriving at 3 a.m.? Is that the correct time to arrive in Arkansas if you are gay and you don’t want to alert the rednecks? The waiting outside the building at 3 a.m. is bound to draw you some sketchy looking young guys wanting your phone!! This whole houseguest thing – unless it’s some celeb I really want staying at my house- just sounds too difficult. You’re a better woman than I am! I say -get a room- literally!

Reply

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm

They’ve had their days and nights turned ’round ever since I have known them. Other than that, they are really lovely people. And of course, there’s the cleaning.

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: