Yesterday I kissed my husband good-bye and wished him luck as he left for a job interview wearing my lime green bikini panties. Let me clarify. He was wearing the panties. Because I am a lazy suckass whore of a wife who hasn’t done laundry in I can’t last remember when and he didn’t have any clean underwear of his own, and I reasoned that wearing a pair of mine was better than A) going commando, or B) wearing a pair of his own dirty boxers. And this is the first thing he has ever told me not to blog about, but I’m doing it anyway (see suckass whore of a wife, above) even though it portrays me in somewhat less than a flattering light, because I think it’s as funny as that time I was driving him home from some outpatient surgery and he was suddenly seized with stomach cramps and kept screaming at me to PULL OVER, PULL OVER and I kept yelling back WE’RE ALMOST HOME, JUST HOLD ON A DAMN MINUTE and he kept screaming back PULL OVER NOW I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT and I tried to reassure him that HOME IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER and he shrieked more convincingly I DON’T FUCKING CARE I’M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS because I jerked the car off the highway and he practically fell out the door and hopped on one leg around to the front of the car (did I mention the outpatient surgery was for his knee and his leg was wrapped in an immobilizer from ankle to hip? I don’t think I mentioned that) in hopes of being somewhat shielded from passing traffic and OH MY GOD HE WAS SHITTING HIS PANTS and he was crying and carrying on and I was trying to keep him from falling over into the ditch and suddenly our then four-year-old son was peeking around the fender saying, “Mama, why is Buford [not really my husband's name, remember?] POOPING on the side of the road?” and my husband screamed and sobbed GET HIM OUT OF HERE and finally the shitstorm ended and I helped Husband hobble back into the car although we left the shorts and underwear he had been wearing there on the feces-spattered ground because, really? Ruined. RUINED. And thank goodness I had some trash bags he could sit on or I’m pretty sure my seat upholstery would have been ruined, too. And Younger Son said, “Are you just going to leave his pants there? Is he just going to ride in the car NAKED?” and I said, yes, just this one time.
Yes, that's a minivan. Shut up. It was the 90s.
And now that I think of it, Husband wearing my panties to a job interview is not nearly as funny as THAT story. Am I right?
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Bwhahahahahah!! Oh that poor man. You are so right though, lime green undies are not nearly as funny as shitting oneself on the side of the highway.
can you imagine? omg
omg…
Hahahaha…
Your poor hubby. That is like my worst nightmare!
Wow! Just wow!
I laughed so hard I peed a little.
Thank you for that.
Oh my goodness. This is one of those stories that is so random you KNOW it isn’t made up but how in the world could this really happen to someone!?
I wonder if I can make my husband wear lime green undies… hmmmmmm
OMG! My stomach hurts! From laughing, not shitting. Your poor Buford! And you…
Now, you better be careful of those green undies. He may get the job and claim them as his own good luck charm. But we don’t want any green pantie pics.
Oh and the word panties? Ugh. On my list of words you never say. Words. You. Never. Say
That is horrible.. I can’t imagine the embarrassment that he went through and your then 4 year old son had to witness.
Anyway I was gonna give you one of my own stories but for all the damn luck in the world none of them are as funny as that. Kudos.
OH
MY
GOD
Seriously, no fucking lie, THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME, except there was no immobilizer on my husbands knee. And I drove him to Walmart with his boxers in a plastic bag so he could throw them in the washrooms garbage can.
So, yup, pretty much the same thing.
oh my god I laughed until I cried. I mean I feel bad for your husband, truly I do, but oh wow that was hilarious.
It’s a good thing your hubs wasn’t wearing your lime green bikini panties THAT day!!
I well remember that day. You can running in the house and made everyone go to another part of the house so he could get in without anyone seeing him.
I well remember that day. You came running in the house and made everyone go to another part of the house so he could get in without anyone seeing him.
OMG.
My dad always drives with a roll of toilet paper in his glove box for just this kind of emergency.
I don’t even know what to say. I’m going back & forth between laughing uproariously and just shaking my head in disbelief.
However, I’m the one with the “i’m gonna shit my pants” story…thank you e. coli.
OHMYGAWD. I just wet my pants. In such a good way. Not in a leave them on the side of the street kind of way.
Oh to have been a car passing by. Priceless.
And @ Chunky Mama – LMAO. I’m now paranoid and may start doing that too.
OMG OMG OMG my stomach hurts now from laughing! Your story reminds me of the Margaret Cho comedy bit about her sitting in LA traffic, STUCK, and then shitting herself as she squatting over her seat (while still driving).
This is my first time here and it will not be my last. I’m only sorry I didn’t find you sooner. My husband often laments about “living (my) blog” but lime green panties and shitting one’s own pants? In the same post? I love it and it’s going to make him feel better too! Buford is a trooper!
Hahahahahahahahaha! Your drawing trumps mine ANY DAY LOL.
Your poor husband. With the roadside shitting.
I hope the lime green panties brought him luck at the interview.
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read. I will not forget it quickly. Which is sort of gross when you think about it.
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Oh. Dear. God. Your poor husband with the roadside shitting.
I hope the lime green panties brought him some luck for the interview.
But, if the interview goes well it’s probably all because of the underwear so you totally did him a favor, so where the hell is the gratitude?
This is the funniest shit I have ever seen. EVER. Love it and love you.
Your right — after reading about the highways shitting, I totally forgot about the lime green panties.
Is that a trail of vomit at his feet?
I almost shat myself from laughing. Hilarious. Oh, the thought of such an incident. It makes me shudder. Did you keep the lime green panties?
Holy hell that is quite the effing story. Also, I like how he has Xes for eyeballs. That’s weird *but also* appropriate, because in that situation one would either die of embarrassment, or from knee pain, or from shitting out his or her insides. Either way? Xes for eyeballs makes perfect sense.
PS – thanks for the idea. I make Hubby do his own laundry and he never has clean underwear. I’m gonna buy him a bikini for next time BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER LET HIM WEAR MINE.
OH, AND… I told Hubby about this and he said you were a loser. Sorry. Sometimes he’s as asshole. And he’s mad becasue I spend more time on the interwebs than I do with him (ooops). And he’s super pissed because he just lost, like, 15 consecutive card games this morning and he’s the sorest loser in Canada. WHO’S THE LOSER NOW, LOSER?
I feel bad for your hubby because (a) these things happened to him and (b) you wrote about them happening to him.
That being said…this post was totally hilarious!
I thought you had brown hair.
DUDE. How am I just now reading this? Damn vacations getting in the way of reading pants-shitting posts!!
Best. Poop. Story. Ever.
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