Random live blogging brought to you by possible oxygen deprivation

July 14, 2011

Often when I am scrolling through the Twitter, I think to myself, “Self, you could write a blog post about all the things people are crazy for that you don’t get at all.” And I say back to myself, “You know, you should do that sometime.” But I never do, either because I am lazy, or I am planking on the couch, or I think of something else stupid to write a post about.

Just now I saw one of those tweets that made me realize how weird I am.

This is apparently a popular sentiment.

And then

Once again I hold a minority opinion here. I don’t want chocolate chips in my trail mix. And the raisins can stay. Trail mix has this image in my mind of something that’s supposed to be somewhat healthy for you, although I know there are many kinds of trail mix that are just junk. And that’s fine. I like junk. But I don’t like my junk mixing with my healthy stuff. I can’t fully enjoy it that way. I want ALL junk, or no junk.

Wait. If it’s dark chocolate in the trail mix, that’s okay. I don’t like milk chocolate anyway.

Yeah, that’s another one. Milk chocolate. Yecccchh. The darker the chocolate, the better.

I don’t get coffee. Well, I can understand the attraction, I guess, but I don’t like the taste, and I’ve never been a caffiene fiend.

How the fuck do you spell caffeine? Someone asked me earlier if there was any word I can’t spell. Yes. That one, apparently. And all the ones those scary kids on ESPN2 in the Scripps spelling bee know.

Whew, thank goodness I googled that. I almost wrote “Scribs.” THAT would have been embarrassing. And it wouldn’t have made sense.

I miss Mitch Hedberg.

And I don’t get bacon. I will never confess this on the Twitter, because I am certain I would lose. . .well, however many followers I would happen to have at that specific moment. All of them. Why didn’t I just say that? So much simpler. Hemingway would spit on me.

Back to bacon. I DON’T hate bacon, but I do love pigs. Pigs are smart. People keep pigs for pets. I guess people can keep anything as a pet, but people keep pigs in the HOUSE. People don’t keep cows in the house unless those people are really fucked up and need some kind of intervention and maybe a feature on that pet rescue show on Animal Planet.

And here I am a hypocrite, because people also keep chickens in the house, I have kept a couple of chickens in the house myself (don’t judge, you don’t know the stories), and I eat chicken. I don’t like chicken, but I have forced myself to learn to eat chicken, otherwise I’d have practically no protein in my diet because I am not a natural born carnivore, apparently. I’d rather eat beans and tofu but my husband does practically all the cooking and it doesn’t occur to him to make those unless I ask him to, because he wouldn’t eat either if someone put a gun to his head, and he would make stuff for me that he won’t eat himself, and he wouldn’t mind, but I’d feel guilty, because why don’t I get off my lazy ass and cook my own damn beans?

Oh–the other thing about bacon, and prepared meats in general, that kind of creeps me out, is they are full of nitrates and crap that I can visualize eating cancer holes in my colon. You’re WELCOME.

Maybe I should take that out. I don’t want to ruin bacon for everyone. They would hate me. Or maybe I should leave it in, as a public service announcement. I’ll have to think about it.

I have to no qualms about eating turkeys, though. Turkeys are stupid. Very stupid. But don’t give me any turkey with bones in it. Or a steak with a bone in it, or chicken with a bone in it, or skin on it, or that grisly gristly gross stuff that makes you realize, hey, this was a chicken! No shells, no legs, no eyes, no heads. Peel and eat shrimp? Okay, you peel it, but don’t let me see you doing it, and then I’ll eat it. Oh, you wanted to eat the shrimp? Ok, I’ll peel it for you, but I’m not going to have any. I’ll crack open crab legs for my nephews, but get that stuff the hell away from me once it’s out.

I don’t get Ryan Reynolds (sorry, Anissa, but hey, more for you, right?). I don’t get Patrick Swayze, not to speak ill of the dead. I’m sure he was a lovely person, but he was ugly and couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag with holes in both ends. There. I said it. Damn, that felt good. I HAVE NEVER SEEN “DIRTY DANCING” AND I DON’T EVER PLAN TO.

I don’t get John Grisham. I remember picking up The Pelican Brief and I couldn’t get through the first four pages. I should probably give him another try, because I’ve read a lot of trash since then and have actually acquired a taste for the toss-off action novel, but I had heard so much about how amazing Grisham was that I was expecting literature. Please, do not describe in excruciating detail how the heroine’s sweater clings to her or how flowing her hair is. I don’t give a shit, unless sometime in the next few paragraphs she’s going to get the damn sweater ripped off and there’s going to be a gritty sex scene.

I don’t get Maroon 5. Can. Not. Stand. Maroon 5. And I just checked again to make sure, because Elder Son is scandalized that I have no appreciation for them. So I just attempted to watch four–four!–Maroon 5 videos, could not get through any of them because I was clawing my ears, and in every one I wanted to reach through the screen and junk punch Adam Levine.

Reeeealllly??? I'm not buying this for one minute. And what the hell were you thinking when you got that haircut, Adam? And shave your damn neck. Ew.

And this? What the hell? You may be mighty pleased with yourself, but I am not impressed. Also I don't think that's a real belly button. You're a clone, aren't you, Adam Levine?

Shopping. I fucking hate shopping. Well, let me clarify. I hate shopping for myself. I am thrilled to shop for my home, for my family, for my friends, for my dog, but please, please, please, don’t make me go in a clothing store and attempt to find something for myself. I would rather stab my own eyeballs out. Well, maybe not that. But you get my point. I don’t want to look at dresses, I don’t want to try anything on, I don’t want to decide this color or that, or does this match. . . The only time I ever shop for myself is when I need a specific outfit for a specific occasion, and then I always have a very clear idea what I want. . . and I never find that thing. I think my abhorrence of shopping comes from the years I sewed for myself. If I wanted something, I made it exactly how I wanted, out of the fabric I wanted, the color, the style, the length, etc., etc. I should do that again.

Luxury cars. I don’t hate anyone who likes to have nice cars. It’s just not my thing. If my vehicle gets me from point A to point B consistently and reliably, I am satisfied. I don’t care how old it is, how beat up, what color, what model. . . blah, blah, blah. Don’t care. I have had only one brand new car in my life, and it is the car I have now, and the first few days I had it, it made me a nervous wreck. And then the dog clawed all over the dash and scratched the hell out of it, and I was all, Whew! Thank god THAT’s out of the way! (FYI, this is not the behemoth truck I’ve mentioned in previous posts. It’s an ’09 Jeep Liberty. It’s not as fun to drive as the truck.)

Babies having their pictures made on big furry things. A bear skin rug, okay, but recently this has gotten way out of hand. I know this one will get me hate comments, but so be it. PEOPLE, GET YOUR BABIES OFF THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE THE BABY COULD AT ANY MINUTE A) SMOTHER OR B) BE DEVOURED.

This isn't as extreme as some I've seen, but of course can't find when I need to, dammit it all to hell. But really? Is taking babies to "Where the Wild Things Are" to get their portraits done a thing now? Also, there are a really lot of unfortunate looking babies in google images.

These are all that occur to me now, and that’s probably plenty to cause me to be more shunned, mocked and ostracized than I already am. But you DID get to see a picture of Adam Levin nekkid, and I didn’t mention poop once. Oh. Until now. Damn.

 

 

 

 

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Dude_WaitWhat July 14, 2011 at 9:47 am

You are clearly a nut. This was very funny. I especially like the fact that you wrote it. I don’t think I can enjoy bacon, or other meat products, as I once did. Thanks for that, too. Anxiously awaiting your next post.

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Sorry. I do occasionally eat bacon, and I’ll even have a hotdog once or twice a year.

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Roxanne July 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

I’m a little freaked out right now.

Yesterday I was eating trail mix and thinking about how there are just too many raisins but other people probably like them but it’s just so annoying for me to have to pick out all those damn raisins because they literally make me vomit and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to them but maybe I should just stop eating trail mix because I hate picking out the raisins so damn much and I should just buy myself some peanut m&ms because that’s the two parts of trail mix I like best.

Breathe.

And then you wrote about it. And you like raisins. That’s weird. Or maybe I am.

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 12:35 pm

We should so share a bag of trail mix!

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Dizzy July 14, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Dude. I love you. Let’s run away together with our similar opinions & everybody else can have that creeper Levine.

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Yes!

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jess July 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I feel that way about cheese. I hate cheese. I don’t get cheese, and no one understands this because everyone has a passionate love for cheese. People want to marry cheese.

But I find cheese repulsive. It smells funky as hell most of the time, and when you think about it, why would anyone want to eat it? Milk, rotten, some other random stuff done to it, grows mold, then the mold is scraped off and WOW! cheese!

I just can’t get on board with the whole process.

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Cheese is pretty much ALL my husband eats. And candy. The stinkier the cheese, the better, for him. He eats some that my nephews call butthole cheese and I won’t let him near me.

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Girlfriend July 14, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Adams almost naked pics were a campaign for testicular cancer awareness/research. A good cause plus hotttttttt photos. HATE HIM FOR THAT, I DARE YOU!! Actually, I’m sure you’d still find a way. Lol. Oh well. More for elder son and I to love. Except he just loves the music. I prefer music PLUS Adam. Sigh… 🙂

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Whatever. He didn’t have to be naked, did he? He’s a bigger attention whore than I am, and that’s saying a LOT.

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WWSLD July 14, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Hahaha! He’s a total attention whore but I’m okay with it because if there were no attention whores obsessed with showing their perfectly chiseled bodies, whom would we objectify? And along that same sentiment, Ryan Reynolds. 🙂

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Lilscorpiosweet July 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

What a way to start my day.

Seriously this was cool. I don’t hate you because you choose to not like bacon because of what bacon does to your colon. I don’t hate you for voicing that babies who have their picture taken on large furry things just seems like a dumb idea. I don’t know about Adam Levine.. I think I like Maroon 5 if I don’t have to watch the videos. I don’t eat trail mix.. so I guess you are on your own with that one.

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Dawn July 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

nice. I hadn’t thought about Mitch Hedberg in ages, and now i’m sad. fuck you.

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Handflapper July 14, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Aw, I’m sorry. And he didn’t even have anything to do with the rest of the post. I was listening to my ipod when I wrote it, and I have some of his stuff on it. So fucking brilliant.

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Bex July 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

If I am not mistaken, & I spent a good half hour sitting here studying the photo, Levine’s cock & balls are being covered by a small perfectly manicured lady hand.

He looks sheepish. Now I understand why. It’s because he has the smallest dick on the planet. This could possibly be the same reason why he can sing in a higher octive than Jesus himself. Assuming Jesus actuallysang. He could do anything apparently so we’ll go with that.

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K July 14, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Dried fruit creeps me right out. My husband loves dried mangos and they totally smell and look like toes.

As for touching OR eating any meat with bones? Yeah, NO. Peel and eat shrimp need to be banned. Shrimp come fresh and with cocktail sauce; no eyeballs or feelers.

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MommaKiss July 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Whilst they prepare the jello (lazy asses) I thought I’d read your blog. Um. Whoa.

Bacon. I’m WITH you. Chocolate? Not so much. And chocolate in my trail mix, i just can’t handle it. Not that I’m eating trail mix a lot or anything.

Babies posed all discombobulated on anything – furry or a bench – is just plain wrong.

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Chunky Mama July 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Ok, so I was going to let the bacon stuff slide, and I agree with you whole heartedly on the whole Ryan Reynolds and Patrick Swayze thing (except for Ryan Reynolds shirtless is a mighty fine thing to behold), but the unlove for Maroon 5 was too much for me to take, and I was all ready to stalk off angrily and cold shoulder you forever, but then I scrolled down and saw Adam Levine’s naked body all over you blog and was all like “Hellz Yes!” and I forgave you.

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Claire July 20, 2011 at 9:50 am

Chunky Mama took the words right out of my mouth. Well said…both of you.

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Marina July 15, 2011 at 1:43 am

Dude!!
This was hilarious!! I totally love those kind of tweets! In fact those kind of tweets I hit myself over. I am like, Damnit why didn’t I make that observation! And then it gets retweeted… well as least I discovered that tweet.
When I was younger I did not like bacon and now… NOW I cannot get enough of it. And its cool, your post didn’t take away my apetite. In fact as I read through it I suddenly felt like bacon. And I made myself some. Thanks for the urge.
I love Ryan Reynolds.
That Maroon 5 dude naked picture is a bit of an abomination for him. Imagine a girl’s hand. Pretty small. And one is covering his package… yikes!!
This pic is not something to be proud of!
Loved your blog.

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Alison@Mama Wants This July 15, 2011 at 6:39 am

I don’t eat bacon or trail mix. I don’t really like Maroon 5 and until I read this, didn’t even know Adam Levine’s name (oops).

And freaky baby pictures, yes, I know what you mean. I don’t get it.

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C... July 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I hate raisins and I love chocolate but that’s why I don’t buy trail mix because that’s supposed to be healthy – why do people complain about that.

That nekkid dude must not have much down there if it took one small female hand to cover his exposed bits. I hate Maroon 5 too … guy sings like someone is castrating him.

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jillsmo July 15, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Wait.

You don’t get coffee?

Starting to rethink that conjoined twin theory now……

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Letmepeeinpeace (Kris) July 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

So ever though you used ME to illustrate how unlike we are, allow me to disagree:
YES on the dark chocolate. Can you say antioxidants?
I got a check last week with one of those creepy Anne Geddes babies on it, I folded it fast, those things are creepy as fuck.
Everyone has that one word that, no matter how many times they try, they will never spell it right on the first try. Definately, parallel and hors d’oeuvres. The hell with those words.
Ryan Reynolds? He’s just a slightly better looking, less funny version of Dane Cook, right?
Adam Levine looks like a member of the Backstreet Boys: Revisited.
Mitch Hedberg is a god. “Escalators: they can never break, they can only become stairs.”
Although, I did see Dirty Dancing three or thirty times. I may have even seen the live stage show on tour. Which may prove your “weird” theory.
I’ll forgive you for smack talking coffee. It completes me.

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K A B L O O E Y July 29, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I am so WITH you on all of this. Except the bacon. But you know what? That means more bacon for me.

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Lori aka Bubbe December 9, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Raisins belong in oatmeal (with walnuts and brown sugar). Dark chocolate rocks! LOVE bacon and coffee – but not necessarily together. Not a fan of shrimp I have to peel or anything that remotely looks like it did in life while it’s on my plate – eww. I can take or leave Maroon 5, and I was clueless who Adam Levine was, nor did his nekkidness impress me. I can do without the exotic baby pics. And lastly, THANK YOU for introducing me to Mitch Hedberg! Phew!

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singer songwriter June 17, 2014 at 10:56 pm

I wish to branch out and reach a wider audience with music this coming year, and challenge myself creatively :D. Taking inside large ceilings, the vintage gear, as well as the musical energy of previous artists that have recorded there including Gavin Degraw and Justin Timberlake, Brandon could create ”. For his new Virtual Tour, Paisley will primarily play outdoor venues.

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