A conversation I had with my husband while picking up his dirty socks.

July 20, 2012

Me:  So, I looked at a bunch of a bunch of uncircumcised penises on the internet last night.

He:  ???

Me:  Is your erection ever uncomfortable because you had too much foreskin removed?

He:  Uh, no.

Me:  Does your glans ever become irritated from being exposed all the time?

He:  Nooooooo.

Me:  Huh.

He:  So. . . why were you looking at penises on the internet?

Me:  Well, there’s been a bunch of discussion lately on the interwebs about circumcision versus uncircumcision. I’ve read two blogs [read these, even if there’s no pictures or illustrations, they’re good: Lahikmajoe: Getting a Baby’s Consent Is No Easy Matter and Sprocket Ink: To Snip or Not to Snip] about the topic in the last few days. People are now saying that it’s a completely unnecessary procedure, painful and mutilating, even. And I haven’t even seen an uncircumcised penis. Well, except that one time in college, and it was dark, and I don’t think that guy was a very good representation, because seriously? His penis was the size of a pencil. If he’d been circumcised, there probably wouldn’t have been anything left of it.

He:  . . .

Me:  So I was curious.

He:  Well, I am in favor of the circumcised penis.

Me:  You are???

He:  Yes. I cannot even imagine going camping, or to war, or being in the desert, anywhere where there was a limited water supply and you would be getting all sweaty and gunkified and not have anything to clean that stuff off with except pee. There would be nastiness, and infection, and it would be just gross.

Me:  Pee is supposedly sterile.

He:  Yeah, but I just have a problem with the idea of rubbing pee all over myself to get clean.

Me:  So for you, circumcision is a necessary hygienic measure.

He:  Oh, for sure.

Me:  Hey, I moved the hamper to the front of the closet so that it would be more convenient for you get to and therefore would perhaps encourage you to take the few extra steps to put your dirty clothes in it. That does not seem to be happening.

He:  I know, I have my faults. But, really? You shouldn’t flip out about my dirty socks on the floor since I don’t flip out about you looking at a bunch of penises.

Touche, sir, touche.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Andreas Heinakroon July 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You’re shitting me. Everyone is circumcised over there? Really? I don’t think anyone here is. Well, I can’t say I’ve done any extensive research, but it’s definitely not common. And we don’t seem to suffer from any illnesses or infections. Apart from regular STDs, obviously.
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Handflapper July 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

No, no everyone. But it’s definitely more the norm in my < cough, cough experience. I am just now learning that’s not the case everywhere in the civilized world. The hilarious thing is how astonished my husband is at that information.

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Lilscorpiosweet July 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Oh it is soo good to know I am not the only weird one to be looking at out of context things on the internet.. I am gonna have to ask my boyfriend that question.. haha.. WTG Flappy.. I am smiling!
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Handflapper July 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Oh, please do, and get back to me on that. Maybe I’ll do some research of my own on this subject.

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Chris Colter (@countofbluecars) July 21, 2012 at 6:24 am

Words truly fail me right now.
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Handflapper July 22, 2012 at 6:08 am

Was it the penises?

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Amy July 21, 2012 at 7:46 am

This is an excellent conversation. I love you & your husband. Come here so I can hang out with you both, ok? We’d have a very good time. I’ll make brownies or something.

I’ve seen both types…um…up-close and personal. They’re both quite nice. I don’t know why anyone cares unless it’s for a medical reason. Or, I guess, a religious one, but I’m not religious so I don’t know anything about that. And don’t care to, honestly. Religion confuses me.

I had no idea that most men were circumcised, because I was with a guy that was, then a guy that wasn’t when I was first starting my life of debauchery, so I thought, huh, I guess it’s like a 50/50 thing, some are, some aren’t, whatever. But when I mentioned that to a female friend once, she was SO SHOCKED I’d seen someone who was uncircumcised. She wanted details, and a description, and “how exactly did it work?” and when I answered, “um…like a penis does?” she was all upset, like I was withholding information. It’s not like they turn rainbow colors and sing “O, Canada.” They’re still penises. They have the same mechanics. Stupid friend that I don’t even remember who you were now.
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Handflapper July 22, 2012 at 6:07 am

Oh! Yes! We do so need to hang out. We would have ALL THE FUN. My husband is very fun and funny once he gets warmed up. A lot of times around other people he is very quiet and all deceptive like.

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Mayor Gia July 21, 2012 at 10:25 am

Not the same! Looking at penises doesn’t inconvenience him, the way the sock thing inconveniences you. I hear that circumcision is becoming less popular too. In another few generations, EVERYONE will have their foreskin. That’ll take adjustment, for sure…
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Handflapper July 22, 2012 at 6:09 am

You do have a point. But after nineteen years, I am resigned to the sock thing.

And I am fully prepared now to have uncircumcised grandsons. Some day.

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Mia July 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm

It is a cosmetic surgery based historically on religious beliefs. Natural selection formed the foreskin and it serves a purpose. You know how girl parts are all moist and sensitive? Boy parts would be that way too. By removing the foreskin and exposing the penis to a dry, abrasive environment, it causes it to change and become basically calloused and less sensitive. Most of my hippy type friends didn’t circumcise their boy children and they boys are cool with that. They don’t get infections (why would they???) and sex is better. And, it is an elective surgery performed on a baby – they get no say in it. Why not wait and let them decide when they are of legal age to have cosmetic surgery performed on their own? 😉

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Handflapper July 22, 2012 at 6:10 am

Ewwwwww. Why’d ya have to bring “moist” into it?

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This One Time at Art Camp July 23, 2012 at 9:50 am

. . . . . . . . And this one time I was watching a television show of some sort and there are actually men out there who decide to “grow” their foreskin back. You HAVE to check it out – it’s all kinds of oogyness!!!!

xoxo
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Handflapper July 25, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Wait, wait, they GROW it back??? I’ve heard of men somehow “reversing” the procedure and wondered where they got the materials. Recycling leather wallets, maybe? Or would that be upcycling?

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Sanstrousers July 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

As a medic in the National Guard, I would just like to ease your husband of his worries about our soldiers’ junk. Several of the guys I deployed with were uncircumcised (you don’t even want to know how I know this; they have no shame,) and if they were having penis problems, my fellow medics and I would have been the first to hear of it. (They’re a bunch of crybabies, is what I’m trying to say.)
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Handflapper July 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I will tell him. I know he will be relieved.

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Gin July 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I’ve seen both types. I think uncircumcised just makes it look like it’s wearing a turtleneck.
Also, I just kicked TWH’s dirty clothes under furniture until he ran out. when asked about his “Missing” clothing, I would simply say “I washed everything that was IN THE HAMPER”. I was eventually found out but I haven’t picked up any dirty clothes since. they go in the hamper every time!!
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Handflapper July 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm

That would not work here. My husband would get his feelings hurt and enumerate all the many, many nice things he does for me (and there are MANY) and cry and I would feel like a big fat bitch and apologize and cry and there would still be dirty socks all over the place but we would both have snotty noses.

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