“Commentate” is a stupid word. What the hell does it even mean? How is it any different from “comment”? QUIT MAKING UP STUPID WORDS, FAKE JOURNALIST-TYPE PEOPLE.

July 30, 2012

I am already tired of the Olympics. Specifically, I am tired of the Olympics commentators. From what I read on Twitter Friday night, a lot of people were tired of the commentators before the Olympics even got started. I didn’t pay much attention to the opening ceremonies, but the consensus was that Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira needed to shut the fuck up. And seriously? Can everybody just get off Michael Phelps’ ass??? Now, I’m not all rah-rah about Michael Phelps, and I certainly do not find him attractive (I won’t even lecture y’all on all the lusting you’ve been doing over the swimmers, but Ryan Lochte is young enough to be my son, ewww), but shit, so he’s not going to win a medal in every goddamn swimming event this Olympics. Has he not done enough for a lifetime already?

It’s okay, Michael. Everyone has a bad Olympics. Wait. What? Everyone doesn’t have a bad Olympics? Oh, that’s right. BECAUSE MOST OF US WILL NEVER EVEN BE AT AN OLYMPICS AS A SPECTATOR, MUCH LESS A COMPETITOR.

 

THIS IS SOMEBODY’S LITTLE BOY, YOU PERVERTS! Somebody’s luscious, hard-bodied, scrumptious little boy. . . STOP IT.

 

And what the fuck have you ever done, Dan Hicks? Dan Hicks gets on my last damn nerve, anyway. Every time I hear his voice, I think, How the hell did John Tesh get to commentate on the Olympics? And then, I’m all, oh, Dan Hicks, you motherfucker, you sound just like John Tesh. But if Ryan Seacrest can do it, why not John Tesh? (because Ryan Seacrest is secretly the anti-Christ, but you didn’t hear it from me)

Okay, gentlemen, we don’t need both of you on this planet, and Mr. Tesh can at least play the piano. Dan Hicks, please step off Earth immediately.

 

All the commentating makes me want to punch the TV. Jordyn Weiber didn’t make the all-around. Let’s lock her in the Tower! Off with her head! Toss her corpse in the Thames! A lot of these athletes are children, people. Crazily talented, amazingly disciplined and mature children under a shit-ton of pressure and world-wide scrutiny. Back the fuck off and let them have a goddamn moment to compose themselves in their disappointments. And quit acting like a bunch of goddamn communists in your comments. It’s really making me worry what’s happening to these kids off camera.

She really was robbed. Did y’all see Bela Karolyi’s rant about the two entrants-per-team to the all-around rule? He was PISSED, let me tell you.

 

I had lunch with my nephew today. The 13-year-old. Stuff annoys him, too.

“The Walking Dead is really stupid. A zombie apocalypse has to start with one zombie. Who can’t kill just one zombie? Apocalypse over.”

He spends as much time mulling over the zombie apocalypse as anyone else, apparently, because a few minutes later he added, “Unless it was a kid. A kid might not be able to kill a zombie, and then there’d be two zombies, and then that kid’s parents wouldn’t want to kill him, and then there’d be two more. . . ” Yep, that’s how I’ve always imagined it will start.

 

[MAJOR SPOILER ALERT IF YOU’RE BEHIND ON YOUR THE WALKING DEAD VIEWING] Now who could blast this adorable child’s head to smithereens? Oh, that’s right. Sheriff Rick could. About damn time he grew a pair.

Nephew and his brother, Older Nephew, are forbidden to read my blog and my twitter, but today I learned they’ve found a way around that. They have a friend who follows me and reads this garbage. He reports to them that I’m hilarious. Great. I’ve finally found my target audience.

UPDATE  Well, fuck me on a balance balance beam! It’s Al Trautwig who sounds just like John Tesh, NOT Dan Hicks. Not that that makes me like Dan Hicks any better. And NOT ONLY THAT, AL TRAUTWIG TOOK OVER COMMENTATING WOMEN’S GYMNASTICS FROM JOHN TESH IN 2000.  Huh. I guess none of you knew that, either. Or maybe you were just too polite to point it out. But still, why would John Tesh ever be commentating on women’s gymnastics? He’s not even a woman. I don’t think. But obviously I’m not very in the know about these things.

Al Trautwig. Passing himself off as John Tesh since 2000.

 

 

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Irene July 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm

LMAO!!! Boy, you said it! I was tired of the Olympics after the Beijing (is that even spelled right? Who cares) Olympics.
I’m on the fence with John Tesh. Pretentious? Not pretentious? He plays a mean piano though! And a bunch of other musical instruments as well. Um..why didn’t that come out the way I thought it would?

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Kristi July 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Im over the Olympics. Completely over. So I’m an unfeeling robot who is now adding being un-American to my personality.
Fuck it, I’ll just drink more. Shots when Seacrest is babbling.
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Gigi July 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm

The Olympics? You mean there are people that ACTUALLY WATCH IT? Color me shocked.

Can’t add much else to the conversation because I’ve been avoiding all of it. Opening ceremony, tweets, news, etc. In fact, I can pretty much definitively state that this post is the only thing I’ve read that has related to the Olympics at all.
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jaime July 30, 2012 at 7:12 pm

TOTALLY agree….. the commentating is annoying as fuck. I’d rather watch on mute than listen to them.
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VerbVixen July 30, 2012 at 9:03 pm

THIS POST TIMES INFINITY! I want to throat punch every NBC commentator. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE
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Jim W. July 31, 2012 at 7:34 am

on the iThing there’s an app for the London Olympics. Every event on video. . . BUT. . . no commentators. So you click on cycling for example and all the footage is there, all the stats, all the little arrows following the track from start to finish over a slowly unspooling google map. . . but no voice. The crowd noise is there, the sound of the bikes and the cars. . . but no commentator. 6 hours of race footage uninterrupted by commentators.

I know this because Lily likes watching Wimpic bikes. “I want wimpics!” So we set up our iThing and BAM! Pretty cool.

Every sport.
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Rusty July 31, 2012 at 10:43 am

Yes, this is what networks need to see.

Australia’s coverage is swimming, repeats of swimming, interviews of swimmers, repeats of interviews of swimmers, etc.

I’m not going out of my way to watch it, being on the other side of the world and stuff, but there are plenty of people around watching to tell you what you’ve missed. Whether you care or not.
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Mia August 1, 2012 at 12:44 am

Orientating. Yeah. That’s not a word either. You just orient yourself. Or, you might orient other people. But, you sure as hell do NOT orientate anything or anyone. And, for the record. I think John Tesch is the devil.

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Cheryl P. August 3, 2012 at 7:48 am

It’s my first visit over here and I am liking the neighborhood. (you’re mentioned on Mayor Gia’s blog today)

A couple of points.

1. Some commentators are better than others. Matt Lauer will always come in dead last.Well…unless he is being graded on annoyance factor…then…clear winner.

2. If anyone was banned from my blog, I would consider it a major victory. However, I feel the need to keep mine PG13 (I guess more PG9 as most 13 year olds say fuck all the time) as my nephew became a minister. Not just a minister but one of those uber strict ministers. I am already on thin ice without using fun and colorful language on my blog. Perhaps you would be open to let me come over here to say four letter words in my comments.
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Sanstrousers August 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Holy crap, this is hilarious! However, I don’t know if we should let Tesh off the hook so easily. Maybe he should step off the planet, as well?
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The Fashion Operation August 3, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I have no idea what is going on with the olympics, i dont follow the event…and i guess im glad i don’t!

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Banana Stickers August 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Michael Phelps looks like he needs a sandwich, and Dude in the picture below him looks like he needs a…. shoulder rub. Or something.
If the Olympics went back to old-school Greek style (naked), I might be interested. If anything, it would at least make it semi-humorous.
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Lily from It's A Dome Life August 11, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Your nephew with the zombie obsession is one smart kid. I’d much rather talk zombies than watch most of the Olympics. Every time I watch the Olympics I end up crying for who ever loses. I never get to see the hunks and I am usually stuffing my face with potato chips the whole time. Since we only get about 4 or 5 channels on TV, I am sometimes forced to watch Volley Ball because that is the only thing ever on!

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Gin August 12, 2012 at 10:21 am

I have been spared any “Commentating” fortunately. I understand it to be beyond awful.

I have to say, your Nephews are hysterical!! They remind me of my 13 year old son.

My kids read my blog & twitter. They hear me in real life though so none of it should come as a shock.

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Lucy Ball August 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Lmao This is hysterical! I’m sad the Olympic commentating is over because the campaign bullshit took over and we can never get enough political name-calling and commercial-making. My family doesn’t know I ‘m on Twitter and they’re too lazy to creep my blog. It sounds nice to have followers who read your stuff.
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