I am already tired of the Olympics. Specifically, I am tired of the Olympics commentators. From what I read on Twitter Friday night, a lot of people were tired of the commentators before the Olympics even got started. I didn’t pay much attention to the opening ceremonies, but the consensus was that Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira needed to shut the fuck up. And seriously? Can everybody just get off Michael Phelps’ ass??? Now, I’m not all rah-rah about Michael Phelps, and I certainly do not find him attractive (I won’t even lecture y’all on all the lusting you’ve been doing over the swimmers, but Ryan Lochte is young enough to be my son, ewww), but shit, so he’s not going to win a medal in every goddamn swimming event this Olympics. Has he not done enough for a lifetime already?
And what the fuck have you ever done, Dan Hicks? Dan Hicks gets on my last damn nerve, anyway. Every time I hear his voice, I think, How the hell did John Tesh get to commentate on the Olympics? And then, I’m all, oh, Dan Hicks, you motherfucker, you sound just like John Tesh. But if Ryan Seacrest can do it, why not John Tesh? (because Ryan Seacrest is secretly the anti-Christ, but you didn’t hear it from me)
All the commentating makes me want to punch the TV. Jordyn Weiber didn’t make the all-around. Let’s lock her in the Tower! Off with her head! Toss her corpse in the Thames! A lot of these athletes are children, people. Crazily talented, amazingly disciplined and mature children under a shit-ton of pressure and world-wide scrutiny. Back the fuck off and let them have a goddamn moment to compose themselves in their disappointments. And quit acting like a bunch of goddamn communists in your comments. It’s really making me worry what’s happening to these kids off camera.
I had lunch with my nephew today. The 13-year-old. Stuff annoys him, too.
“The Walking Dead is really stupid. A zombie apocalypse has to start with one zombie. Who can’t kill just one zombie? Apocalypse over.”
He spends as much time mulling over the zombie apocalypse as anyone else, apparently, because a few minutes later he added, “Unless it was a kid. A kid might not be able to kill a zombie, and then there’d be two zombies, and then that kid’s parents wouldn’t want to kill him, and then there’d be two more. . . ” Yep, that’s how I’ve always imagined it will start.
Nephew and his brother, Older Nephew, are forbidden to read my blog and my twitter, but today I learned they’ve found a way around that. They have a friend who follows me and reads this garbage. He reports to them that I’m hilarious. Great. I’ve finally found my target audience.
UPDATE Well, fuck me on a balance balance beam! It’s Al Trautwig who sounds just like John Tesh, NOT Dan Hicks. Not that that makes me like Dan Hicks any better. And NOT ONLY THAT, AL TRAUTWIG TOOK OVER COMMENTATING WOMEN’S GYMNASTICS FROM JOHN TESH IN 2000. Huh. I guess none of you knew that, either. Or maybe you were just too polite to point it out. But still, why would John Tesh ever be commentating on women’s gymnastics? He’s not even a woman. I don’t think. But obviously I’m not very in the know about these things.