Update 4: Well I’ll be goddamned.
He fixed it. Holy motherfucking shit, HE FIXED IT. Even though he has a leftover screw (maybe that’s what was rattling around inside, because we can’t figure out any place that’s missing a screw), and he put one of the throat plate screws in the wrong place and now we’re afraid for him to take that screw out and put the right one in because OH GOD WHAT IF THAT’S THE FAIRY DUST THAT’S HOLDING THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER???
MY HERO. Also, doesn’t my kitchen look pretty in the background? I DESIGNED THAT. And husband built it. Except I did the tile on the wall. It was awesome, and I’d never tiled anything before. THAT USED TO BE WHERE THE LIVING ROOM WAS. Seriously. And that column that sort of looks like it’s growing out of the back of Husband’s head? There’s another one on the other side of the room, but it’s not all finished and painted nice like that one yet, and the other day Hellbaby ran smack dab into it and about knocked herself out. She fell right on her ass, and (because we are evil, bad people) Alice and I about laughed ourselves sick. And so Hellbaby, instead of squalling, laughed too, and then she started throwing herself on the floor on purpose and giggling like it was the funniest thing EVER, and it pretty much was, because let me tell you, the girl’s got quite a talent for the slapstick. And sorry for the crappy photo quality; I took it with my phone because it’s like almost midnight, yo.