Sex education the South Park way–not as awful as you’re thinking, I promise. But close.

September 8, 2012

My 13-year-old nephew is spending the weekend with us. He used to spend EVERY weekend with us. He used to live with us, in fact, but the past couple of years his dad has deemed him and his older brother old enough to stay home alone while he works. So far they’ve managed not to kill each other or burn the house down (notice I didn’t say “set the house on fire”), but I figure it’s only a matter of time.

Anyway, it’s hard for me to remember he’s a teenager. He’s the youngest in the family, and I have him fixed in my mind as, well, little. Right now he’s watching South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. I’m vacillating between horror and resignation–horror because as foul-mouthed as I may be myself, I never talk like that in front of him and his brother and I don’t let them talk like that around me, and resignation because  as familiar as he is with the dialogue, it’s obvious he’s watched it a few times already.

Well, he’s not familiar with ALL of the dialogue. My husband is sort of listening to the movie from the kitchen where he’s making bread. (Yes, he’s making bread. Kneading dough and all that shit. Shut up.) He just yelled, “WHAT did he say???”

Nephew:  He asked her “What’s the clutious or something like that.”

Me:  WHAT??? [I was only half-listening myself. This movie is stupid.]

Nephew:  That’s what it sounded like.

Me:  So. . . I’m guessing you don’t know what it is, either?

Nephew:  No. But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with female parts.

Um, yeah. And how. 

Then the word was repeated onscreen, and he was paying closer attention this time or something, because he yelled, “Clitoris! That’s what it is!”

Me:  What is?

Nephew:  Clitoris.

Me:  Oh. What is it?

Nephew:  Oh, I still don’t know. Something to do with woman parts.

Then he yelled up at my husband:  What’s a clitoris???

And my husband, predictably, pretended to be deaf.

Nephew:  I’m going to text my dad and ask him what a clitoris is.

Me:  Uh huh. You do that. Then he’ll know you’re watching South Park at my house.

Nephew:  Whatever. He watched it with us the other night and laughed his ass off.

Yes, this family is chock full of responsible adults providing all the moral guidance any child could wish for. 

But he didn’t text his dad; he Googled it on his iPhone, because that’s where all kids should get their information.

Nephew:  Ooh! Gross! [This does not bode well for his future girlfriends.] THERE’S A DIAGRAM! Here, look!

Me:  No, thanks. *I* know what a clitoris is.

He also didn’t know who Brian Boitano is, which has me really concerned about the state of public education in this area. What the fuck are they teaching kids these days if it’s not the clitoris and Brian Boitano?

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

@facethesun September 8, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (Note to self: make sure kid does not see that movie until at least 16. Do not want to have the same conversation.))
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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:01 pm

This was mild compared to some of the conversations we’ve had.

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Antonia Murphy September 8, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Hilarious!! I cannot WAIT to have this conversation with my kids. Or maybe I’ll just force them to watch South Park and figure it out on their own. That should work, right?

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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Only if they can speak Kenny. He seems to be the only one who really knows what’s what.

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highlyirritable September 9, 2012 at 7:20 am

Same thing would have happened here when I was married; except my husband wouldn’t have feigned deafness. He really just wouldn’t have know what it was. 😉
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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Oh, dear. My husband claims he knows what it IS. I’m just not sure he knows what it’s FOR.

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Mayor Gia September 9, 2012 at 7:41 am

HAHAHA that is EXACTLY the scene I was thinking of when I saw the title to this post. Yech.
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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Yech? Yech???

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This One Time at Art Camp September 10, 2012 at 8:20 am

Guess how bad of an Aunt I am!? When my niece was almost 3 years old, I convinced my sister to watch the South Park movie with me since she’d never seen it. We couldn’t get the niece to go play with her sister in the other room so she wasn’t exposed. I convinced my sister to keep the movie on because the niece was a total mute after all (seriously we could NOT get her to talk). After the movie was over? The niece called her sister a cock master. No joke.

So hey, no judgment on this side of the table!

XOXO
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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Aren’t kids precious? When South Park first came out, people acted so scandalized that they would have eight-year-old characters talking like that. Hell, as a school teacher, I’ve heard SIX-year-olds talk like that.

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Sarcasm Goddess September 11, 2012 at 1:49 pm

At least your husband didn’t say, “I have no idea” when asked what a clitoris is. So funny!! Gotta love South Park. And Brian Boitano. And clitorises.
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Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:07 pm

When it came time to tell our older boy the nitty gritty details (he was six–he would not be satisfied with “the daddy plants a seed, etc, etc”; he just kept asking question after question), I insisted that my husband step up and participate in the sex talks. I had done the prep work, after all. He made everyone else leave the house and not come back for an hour! All my son said afterward was “You and my daddy did THAT to make me? EWWWWWWW.”

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