My 13-year-old nephew is spending the weekend with us. He used to spend EVERY weekend with us. He used to live with us, in fact, but the past couple of years his dad has deemed him and his older brother old enough to stay home alone while he works. So far they’ve managed not to kill each other or burn the house down (notice I didn’t say “set the house on fire”), but I figure it’s only a matter of time.
Anyway, it’s hard for me to remember he’s a teenager. He’s the youngest in the family, and I have him fixed in my mind as, well, little. Right now he’s watching South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. I’m vacillating between horror and resignation–horror because as foul-mouthed as I may be myself, I never talk like that in front of him and his brother and I don’t let them talk like that around me, and resignation because as familiar as he is with the dialogue, it’s obvious he’s watched it a few times already.
Well, he’s not familiar with ALL of the dialogue. My husband is sort of listening to the movie from the kitchen where he’s making bread. (Yes, he’s making bread. Kneading dough and all that shit. Shut up.) He just yelled, “WHAT did he say???”
Nephew: He asked her “What’s the clutious or something like that.”
Me: WHAT??? [I was only half-listening myself. This movie is stupid.]
Nephew: That’s what it sounded like.
Me: So. . . I’m guessing you don’t know what it is, either?
Nephew: No. But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with female parts.
Um, yeah. And how.
Then the word was repeated onscreen, and he was paying closer attention this time or something, because he yelled, “Clitoris! That’s what it is!”
Me: What is?
Me: Oh. What is it?
Nephew: Oh, I still don’t know. Something to do with woman parts.
Then he yelled up at my husband: What’s a clitoris???
And my husband, predictably, pretended to be deaf.
Nephew: I’m going to text my dad and ask him what a clitoris is.
Me: Uh huh. You do that. Then he’ll know you’re watching South Park at my house.
Nephew: Whatever. He watched it with us the other night and laughed his ass off.
Yes, this family is chock full of responsible adults providing all the moral guidance any child could wish for.
But he didn’t text his dad; he Googled it on his iPhone, because that’s where all kids should get their information.
Nephew: Ooh! Gross! [This does not bode well for his future girlfriends.] THERE’S A DIAGRAM! Here, look!
Me: No, thanks. *I* know what a clitoris is.
He also didn’t know who Brian Boitano is, which has me really concerned about the state of public education in this area. What the fuck are they teaching kids these days if it’s not the clitoris and Brian Boitano?