You probably wish my husband was your husband, but he’s not, so back off!

September 6, 2012

Today my husband burned a bunch of trash, cleaned the kitchen, made potpourri, bathed the dogs, kept the Hellbaby while Alice and I went shopping, cleaned the bathroom including mopping the floor, fixed the bathroom ceiling that was falling down for some reason (old house, that’s the best reason I can think of), cleaned and swept the living room, washed four loads of laundry, made a simple syrup and then made lemonade from that syrup, and is currently making dough for a homemade pizza for our dinner. Oh—he also made these from the plastic seals he cut off of jar lids for a project I’ve been working on.


Today I wrapped two birthday gifts for Alice’s niece, went to Target with her to buy a new car seat for Hellbaby, went out to lunch (while Husband was keeping Hellbaby) with Alice (thanks for lunch, Alice!), helped Alice get the new car seat adjusted to fit Hellbaby and get it in Alice’s car, and finished my upcycling project with the Yankee candle jars I rescued from my monster-in-law’s house.

I also drank some delicious lemonade. Oh, and I took a shower, and I even remembered to put on moisturizer, which I found while half-ass organizing the bathroom since I had all those new canisters to put shit in.


The point is, I obviously suck as a human being and my husband is some kind of goddamn superman and he better cut that shit out because I’m tired of him making me look so fucking bad.

PS  Just kidding, honey. You’re awesome and I love you and when is that pizza going to be ready? I’m STARVING.

UPDATE  Here’s the pizza. And no, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s CUSTOM MADE. Younger Son, the weirdo, doesn’t like melted cheese (I know, I KNOW, I did the best I could but sometimes they still turn out wrong), so he eats only crust and sauce. My part of the pizza has tons of veggies and husband’s is piled with sausage and pepperoni.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy September 6, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Your husband makes me laugh. I will back off now, though. He’s yours. I won’t make my move like a homewrecker.

That pizza made me laugh and laugh. It looks like it was in a catastrophic accident on one side. How can he not like melted cheese? It’s like one of the best things in the world! Does he like regular cheese?
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Handflapper September 6, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Yes, he likes “regular” cheese, but it has to be real cheese. Even as a kid he wouldn’t eat Kraft singles. However, he does eat Kraft (and only Kraft) mac & cheese and he eats cheese dip made from Velveeta. He actually makes awesome cheese dip. He doctors it up so you forget it’s nasty Velveeta you’re putting in your mouth.

When he was four or so we made him start ordering for himself in restaurants. He would very seriously tell the server, “I want a hamburger with cheese on the side. But DON’T put the cheese ON the hamburger, because that would be a cheeseburger, and I Don’t. Like. Cheeseburgers.”

And thank you for not wrecking my home. It’s already wreck enough as it is.


Mayor Gia September 7, 2012 at 7:07 am

Pizza without cheese?!? Your son is missing out!

Nice upcycling – pinterest has a MILLION ideas for mason jar type projects (it always makes me feel inferior).
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Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I love mason jars, upcycled or not. I should post pics of the bottles/jars we did for my son’s wedding reception. Some were tinted the wedding colors, some were monogrammed, some were frosted. So easy!


highlyirritable September 7, 2012 at 8:50 am

If that man can make a grain-free, gluten-free pizza crust, then you had better watch. your. back, woman.
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Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:16 pm

He can make anything in the kitchen. Seriously, he makes delicious things that he himself wouldn’t put in his mouth with a gun to his head. I don’t know how he does it.


This One Time at Art Camp September 7, 2012 at 8:59 am

Oh how I’ve missed you! Since you’re all crafty, you should make a naughty craft for The Suniverse. Your husband rocks the house.

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Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I would like to make a naughty craft. I welcome suggestions. And yes, my husband totally rocks the house.


Meg September 7, 2012 at 9:37 am

Ha, my favorite part is in your day you drank the delicious lemonade that your husband slaved over. Hey, someone’s got to. Yin and Yang and all that.

PS Simple syrups rock.
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Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:14 pm

EXACTLY. And how would he know it was any good if he didn’t have me to give him feedback? HE NEEDS ME, DAMMIT.


Carmen September 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

Hubby looks good in hoops. I am still reeling from the “4 Loads of laundry”…

That shit is unheard of from a man. You truly SHOULD watch out.
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Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I have my ways of keeping him in line. Oh, yes, I have my ways. . .


Kait September 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

I wish you would write more often. Because all this laughter is the best medicine & could help me shake off a couple of pounds.


Handflapper September 7, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I wish I would write more often, too, but most of the time when I try I’m all, meh, you suck, shut the fuck up, no one wants to read this crap.


Lily from It's A Dome Life September 10, 2012 at 9:22 am

I’m so glad your face hasn’t rusted yet or even gotten one wrinkle…that moisturizer must be amazing. I am so jealous. Maybe we can clone your husband or …does he have a brother?


Handflapper September 11, 2012 at 8:04 pm

He does have a brother, but he’s a total ass. My husband got all the nice among his siblings.


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