I have a raging UTI, which is most likely more information than any somewhat normal person would want to know about anybody, much less about me, but at least I’m getting it out there right at the front what this post is about so, you know, you can skip it and move (quickly) on to something else.

April 8, 2014

If it’s not one goddamn thing it’s another, but this time I think my urethra may really kill me. Yes, “this” time, as I’ve suffered from chronic UTIs for the last thousand years or so, something my so-called friend Alice has no appreciation nor sympathy for, since that cunt has never had a UTI in her life. She takes particular cunty glee in the fact that the only time I become ill from the sensation of a fiery barbed stick being repeatedly jammed into my nether regions is approximately 37 hours after having had marital relations. Every. Damn. Time. So yeah, two or three times a year pissing becomes less of a routine bodily function and more of an OH-MY-FUCKING-GOD-MAKE-IT-STOP-MAKE-IT-STOP-MAKE-IT-STOP torture session.

Why I continue to seek commiseration from that cold-hearted healthy-bladdered bitch I don’t know.

Me:  Fucking fucking fucking fuck [yeah, because I know what caused this]. I have a UTI and I am going to die.

She:  Uh oh.

You did it with [insert Husband’s name—well, actually, penis, that dirty, dirty penis—here]?

Me:  No. The old man who walks by our house every day. Was in the mood for some strange.

She:  Gross.

I was just surprised y’all did it.

If there was ever a sign you shouldn’t do it, I would think your raging UTI would be it. . . LMAO.

Me:  We were careful! I made him wash everything. Twice!

She:  Too damn bad.

Sinners.

Jesus was watching. Etc, etc.

Shame shame

Me:  How are we sinners? We ARE married, after all. To each other, even.

She:  Depends on “how” you do it. According to the Catholic Church, certain things are sins no matter what. [Alice is a “lapsed” Catholic, of which I’ve always been envious. I, not ever having been anything, can now never be “lapsed.”]

Me:  Oh, wait. We’re probably not married in the eyes of god. Since I divorced the first husband and all. [I did go to the Church of Christ all of the summer before and well into 9th grade with some girls my piano teacher introduced me to when my family moved to a very Church of Christ town. I went along with the hymn singing without organ accompaniment and if people wanted to let the preacher shove their heads under water in a vat of nasty water in front of everybody, more power to them, but when he started yelling—yes, literally yelling, he went on a real bender about it—that dinosaurs were a hoax by the scientific community to discredit Christianity, I was outta there. So I do know a thing or two about sin.] [Yeah, that’s it. That’s how I know about sin, in a purely theoretical, scholarly sense. Wink, wink.]

She: Oh, ya. You’re still married to [insert ex-husband’s name, but most definitely NOT penis, here].  Hahahahahahahah

Me:  And I was doing it for pleasure of the flesh, not procreation, since, obviously, that’s not possible. More sinning!

So, not only am I going to hell, if I ever hope to piss without setting all the neighborhood dogs to howling, I have to give up the hobby horse. That twice a year wasn’t much, but it was something to look forward to. On the bright side, I guess I can now call myself a “lapsed” sex-doer.

On second thought, come on, urethra. Go ahead and kill me now.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

ThatWhiteGirl April 8, 2014 at 11:55 pm

I have two thoughts on this post.
1) I’ve heard that if you urinate immediately after having sex, you reduce the risk of a UTI (it flushes stuff out, before it can get up in there)
2) Two or three times a year!?!?!?

You poor girl. On both counts.
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Suzanne May 24, 2014 at 5:02 pm

I too, suffer from the same issue as you. I literally JUST came back from the doctors with yet another antibiotic for my obviously apocalypse germ of a UTI (this is the third round of antibiotics).

This is what I know – years ago, the doctor gave me an antibiotic to take every time we, ehem, ya know. Worked like a charm. My current predicament is, unfortunately, not from the sin like yours.

Oh and I ALWAYS keep Azo on hand. It’s the shizz.

Carry on!

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Laramie Harlow July 2, 2014 at 9:14 am

Turns out my urinary tract infection wasn’t an infection but allergy to something so my holistic doctor gave me some U-TRACT (D-Mannose) and it took care of it right away.
I swear antibiotics are killing us slowly… and not healing anything!

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Helaine August 22, 2014 at 9:30 pm

Nice blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog stand out.
Please let me know where you got your theme.

Many thanks
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